Lea pt 3

I took a walk barefoot in the park today. The grass was cool and wet with morning dew. The sun was still hiding behind the clouds from the night before. The chess tables were empty and inviting. It reminded me of something that I now regret saying.
One night, Lea came over to my house while I was home alone. This was after we had already been seeing eachother for a few weeks, and I wanted to see how things would play out if I didn't make a move on her. I wanted to see if I could go the whole night without making a move on her. We spent that night laying next to one another, on the couch, watching movies. We kissed and cuddled. We held eachother close for protection from the outside world. We talked about the future, about the past. We tried to talk about the present but the past and future kept getting in the way.
Just before she had to leave, Lea asked me, "Why did we not have sex tonight?"
I told her that it was because I had to know if I could resist her. She rolled her eyes, shook her head and said that that was a very silly idea. She asked me if I was satisfied with my results, and I said that I wasn't sure. I said that I didn't know if it was a good thing or not that I could resist her for so long in my arms. I look back now and think that it may have been one of the best things in my life, that comfort.
I remember one of the first nights that Lea came over. We made love on the floor that night. Afterwards, she massaged my head until I fell asleep in her lap. I'm not sure now how many hours she sat there with my head cradled between her legs, watching me sleep. She used to tell me that she loved watching me sleep. She said that it was the only time that I looked peacefull. I remember waking up and seeing her putting on her clothes. I remember being confused because she wasn't in my arms. I remember that the sun was just coming up over the horizon. I remember asking, "Are you leaving me now?"
I remember Lea smiling and giving me a kiss saying, "Good morning. I just have a busy day. I'll catch up with you at school."
I remember that she was wearing a white button down shirt and blue jeans with her ever present long fringed leather jacket.
Is it wrong that thoughts of her can still make me smile? It has been ten years.
There was a reason that I started writing these stories. I wanted to explain to someone why I felt the way I felt about what they did to me. I wanted to explain my anger and pain. I wanted to put their behavior on display for them under the guise of another. That doesn't make these stories any less true. I am recounting the facts as accurately as I can. Like I said, it's been ten years or so. My reason for writing these stories is now obsolete. Now, I'm writing them for me. This may be the only way for me to move on with my life. I've always been told that writing can be a very cathartic activity. This is true. It helps to put the demons on paper. It's the demons that we don't let out that devour us.
I was a member of a hack bowling league at the time that I was with Lea. We called ourselves the gutter gurus. We were some of the least impressive bowlers you could gather together between four lanes. There was close to seventy of us at one point. By the time I joined the group, we were whitled down to thirty or so. Lea will deny with her dying breath that she was ever a member of the gutter gurus. I know that I didn't see her bowl. I did however, often see her at the bowling alley on friday nights for glow in the dark bowling. I remember that Lea often asked me why I chose to spend so many of my friday nights with people that she felt were obviously beneath my level of intelligence. This led me to believe that Lea spent her time there to be close to me. She always arrived at the bowling alley with someone else, but she always left with me.
I remember so many nights; our hungry fingers seeking out eachother's flesh. I remember staring so intently into her eyes; her eyes like pools of chocolate, inviting me to dive in and have my fill. I don't imagine her laying next to me anymore. I don't still feel her imagined warmth next to me on cold winter nights. I don't still hear her call my name when I'm walking down the street. I don't still see her in my dreams. Sometimes, I wish I still did. I was so terribly in love with her. It would be a shame if there was nothing left of that feeling within me. I feel that it would be a loss to my humanity to so completely shut someone out of my heart. For now though, my heart is misplaced. I'll let you know when I've found it again.